Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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