Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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