I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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