Yo dont text me then not text me
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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