He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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