i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
