do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
