Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
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Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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