Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
