matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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