oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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