hotel room ftw
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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