Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
