I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
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Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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