my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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