At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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