I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, beer. Big fan.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
