On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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