Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
