Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
