This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
