i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
