i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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