I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
