my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
