a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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