i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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