Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
