Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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