she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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