no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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