I hate your face
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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