I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
