apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
