my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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