Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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