So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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