Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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