she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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