I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
