so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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