but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
