Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
