i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i think i just lost a toe
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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