Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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