we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
