on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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