Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
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It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath