well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"