It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She tied me up with her honor cords...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
