He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
