I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
