Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I AM VODKA MAN
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
