end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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