If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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