Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
