Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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