Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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