My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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